925

September 25, 2009

It was raining hard and the clouds were so gray. The ambiance was so blue and it fitted me so. My best day of the year became the worst and somehow, my dream came true.

In every beginning there was always an end. However happy you were at the start, it always ended up with pain in your heart. No matter how much you prepare yourself to accept, it still left you wounded. Even though you found the clarity you wished for, even though you said to yourself that you were satisfied, I knew, it still hurt you, no matter how deep or how shallow. So, why saying that there was a happy ending in every story, if in every end there was someone or something important had to pass away.

Sometimes, you had to end some stuffs that for you was foolishness or worthless. Though it was really hard to stop you have to just for you not to feel hurt, like saying the truth; the truth that would set anyone free. Though it was really that throbbing, but if that was the only way to set you free, and then took the risk. Life was very unfair for it wanted to give you challenge not sorrow. For it wanted to make you realize of things you got not let them lost.

I wrote this blog for me to carry all out my burden, this burden that love gave me. I wrote this for I could clear my mind and comfort my heart. I lost someone that I considered as a part of me. I lost him not by will but by please. He wanted to end what we got, so did I. I also wanted to end it up not because I could fight no more but because I didn’t want to feel great hurt if it gone so far. Beside, we were just fooling ourselves. He was just fooling me; I was just fooling myself that there was something working out. He loved someone, someone that he couldn’t forget. He tried to give his attention to me and love me too, but he failed. Same with what I feel for him, I had doubts. Well, at first, I was happy, but happiness with him was not intention. My purpose of accepting it was just to play a game, the play of Love. But, I lost. I didn’t suppress my feelings. I admit, I fell almost in love for him, but I tried to avoid it, until the time I concluded to end it too.

He believed in his “First Love” and I believed in “Love Game.” He couldn’t free himself from the cage of past, and I learned from my lessons much. For me “Love is stupidity” and for him, “Love is sacred.” In that point of views, we really differ, we couldn’t meet. I tried to understand him, but I was too selfish, I couldn’t. I always prior myself, my own feelings and perception rather the things that could make our situation better.

But now, the clarity that I’ve been looking for is now all in my mind. With that simple conversation, all the questions in my mind fade away. All the “if’s” in me disappear. I settled myself this way, doing the old routine, when he wasn’t with me before. He settled in a way by forgetting things. Thinking that there was no big deal and looking at me as a friend, a very close friend.

And again, I proved that there will never be a happy ending in a wrong beginning. There will never be an effective relationship if nothing exists or you’re not working as one. Where, when there is always love, hurt, trials, and pain will come that we should accept and surpass. That Loving is stupidity. Man’s love to woman or woman’s to man is completely idiotic. But, human commits mistakes for they are not perfect. Though they know what might happen, and how risky the situation is, they still try. Though they know they will be considered as stupid, they still do, for they can find their “happiness” there and making the impossible things possible for them. And that’s the counter-effect of pain we feel, “learning and striving hard” for that “Love.”