In my mind..

(I forgot to post this blog...hihihi..let's just be back in the days of September. I'm sorry readers for confusing of dates..:D)

SEPTEMBER 23, '09

Things gone too far from me this time. It seems that I'm not with myself. I am not in the right path of happiness. I do encounter, but I guess it's just false one, deceiving me from the right one. I also feel like I'm fooling myself, I am trying to believe that I still have the one I value most though I know my hands aren't holding anything. Still believing that you want to stay long, but the truth is , you want to be free. Honestly, I know what is really happening. I can feel what you feel right now. But then, I don't want to believe those stuffs, for In know it will hurt me. I know that keeping myself away from truth is more painful, but try to think of it; Sometimes, Fooling yourself helps you to lessen the pain. Besides, its the only way I know to smile everyday. It's the only thing I know for me not to lose hope and still look on things positively. I know it's definitely wrong, but you can't blame me of doing it, because you don't help me to carry all it out, this burden you cause. "You are not here, anyway."


Recently, I meet my dearest bestfriend. I tell her everything I feel, from admiration to frustration of you. She really insist that I should not contact you much for she thinks that you'll be irritated if I do much of it. But I think, it's never a sin to keep in touch of you. Besides, I am in the position to be updated about you. Moreover, she tells me that I shouldn't love you deeply. I am not! It's just that, I don't want the things or person that I value most will be gone, leaving me alone. I am selfish. Like what I used to tell everyone:


"Ayaw kong mawala ang mga bagay na nasakin. Ayaw kong inaalis sakin ang mga bagay na nakakasanayan ko, kinukuha ng iba ang pagmamay-ari ko. HIndi ako mapagparaya, hindi ako madaling makahanap ng iba. Gusto ko sakin lang ang bagay/to na ginusto ko."


It really sounds selfish and mean, but then, I 'm telling you once more, I am not deeply in love with you. I just want you, I'm not letting you go, without any good reasons. Yes, Its unfair, but do you feel the unfairness when you don't give any in return to me? Any love or even attention? You lack there. I don't want to nag much, I just need clarity from you. And that's it!


Actually, I'm getting used to lie everyday without you or your existence. Without your voice that welcoming me. But the last time I see you, the things I'm getting used with are all gone in just a snap, and being replaced by you. My blues becomes happiness. and now, now that you're not here again, it's hard for me to do the same old routine again coz I am again, longing for what you let me feel; Love and attention. Maybe, it's easy for my friend to say,

"Masanay ka na wala siya, at pag-bumalik, matuwa ka. Pag umalis muli, masanay ka ulit..."


but, I don't know how to start again. I don't know where to begin without hoping of your return.


Now it's clear that I'm just hoping, waiting and insisting of someone who never knew at all. Waiting for nothing; hoping for impossible; and wishing for unreal. My foolishness now yields something. It yields into what I'm avoiding of, PAIN.


"Truth or Lie? Both sound painful, isn't it? Truth is painful as it revealed. Lie hurts as you start to pretend, but still, it bring smile in your face in the beginning."


At this very moment, I don't want to lose you yet, not now or even tomorrow. I don't want you in the arms of others. However, I don't want to hurt myself. Though it's not easy to keep wide distance away from you, I'll do it. Just so, I can know my worth, I can test your love, I can start moving on, I can think more, I can get used to it again, and I can stop hurting and fooling myself.


"I love you, but I love myself more."