Just understand

December 23, 2010. It is 2 days away from the season. I am very disturbed and bothered of what I feel, of what I think. Sometimes, I blame myself of being so demanding and sensitive. But it is really my fault to be demanding and sensitive to L if the fact says I have the right to feel it? If I could only turn back the days I texted L that message. If I just shut my mouth and tried to be understanding. Ain't I understanding enough? Or L couldn't just see how I tried so hard to control myself and be patient. How hard I tried not to let my tears fall. How hard I tried to be stupid and brave. But I just can't. I exploded. But is it wrong? That my string is pulled and don't know where to hold on?

L asked for space. Space that even me couldn't measure or tell. Why asking for some space? I can't help myself asking what I did wrong? Where did I lack? What I gave much? I hoped that the space wuoldn't end up with separation. For I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept this way of separation without knowing why.

And just this evening, after I went to church, It happened. The space turned into gap between us. I tried to solve it the way I knew. But L already decided for what was the best thing to do. I didn't know what to feel. I had mix emotions of hurt, aloneness, hatred and guilt. As far as I know, I didn't do  anything against us. Or it is really a sin to be out of control. I cried as we talked. I cried for what L did. I wanted to cursed L, but I couldn't. All I did is to understand. Understand L's side, though it really killed my heart.

L just did the best thing for me not to be hurt. Should I call it heroic? But what L just did is the start of my pain. The start of my wounds. I couldn't act the same way we used to be before, for it is totally different. I couldn't act the way L wanted me to do for I am not a good actress, for I am not pretentious. I couldn't be the same person L knew for I changed. From what I feel and what I think. Why L couldn't understand that I am happy of what we have? Or L is just that bad and just broke my happiness? Why L couldn't understand that before I'll be gone, the happiest thoughts will be in my memories?  Those laughs that I didn't do with just anyone. Those sweetness that made me smile every night. Those cookies that we ate together would never be the same in others. That all I want to remember were those. But I wouldn't be possibly be. It is all gone too in due time. Why?

I tried to smile and laugh as what L said; that I could carry on all this hurt. But how? How would I do it, If I already surrender? Half of me felt anger. I was angry of L, for making me stupid of waiting, and worst was falling. I was angry of me, and for another time regret of what I did, of what I said. But what with all those anger if it couldn't fix any. All I could do is be friend of L. Be friend and tried to revive all the times we shared together before this pain came. I tried to return all those memories that being covered of what I feel. Those broken glass that reflected me imperfectly.

*All I want is to collect happy memories with you, before I'll be gone. Why can't you understand?