What am I doing? Nothing. I am just waiting for my phone to buzz. I am waiting for someone's text though i know it is very impossible now. This someone is maybe asleep, flying together with clouds, am i in that dream?
I don't know why I lasted this late just for a buzz from this someone? (Let's just call my someone as L). It's not my thing to wait for so many hours. It isn't my thing to have this long patience, but only to L. I am asking myself why I am this hopeful. There's nothing wrong for being hopeful, but not in something that you actually know it will never happen. I know L is asleep now. I know the fact that L forget to drop calls or texts. and the fact that another words from L is broken. But those are nothing. I am still waiting.
Though I am fooling myself that L will pick up the phone, I still try to dial L's number. Stupidity? I guess I am not stupid. I am just this patient. I am pissed. I admit. But I can't do anything but to calm down and try to understand. Understand the every single thing that I could consider now. L has lots of overnights and parties to come, so that does mean I also have lots of night to stay this late and wait?
I am not feeling well right now. Head aches due to clogged nose and my UTI strikes again. And I still choose to stay up so late for L. I don't want to miss every chances of contact we will ever had, but why things seems so unfair. It's not good.
Should I get jealous in all L's get aways? I don' think it's right. I will be so unfair and selfish. But what should I suppose to do and feel? Be supportive? Go to the road where L is happy and I am not? Or wait till L get back? But would that deserve the every tics of the clock? In waiting? Waiting for nothing? for another failing?
I don't want to start a fight. I am trying to be so understanding. I am trying to extend it. How long can i do it? I don't want any conflicts that's why I write it all here. So It wouldn;t be so hard for me to carry all those questions in my mind.
I know L cares for me. I know L is happy with me. I know it all. But I can't help thinking much in times like this.
Am i tired of waiting? If I am, I guess I won't be able to stay this late. I don't know how long. I don't want to be martyr. I am just doing this because arguments will make things worst, and i don't want that to happen.
I will patiently waiting.....but not forever. I know there will be an end.
*I want to hear a good explanation and promise of paying all L's mistakes, but i guess it will be useless if the same faults will happen again. So i guess i won't ask for any. Not anymore.
*No more explanations and excuses, no more promises, no more apologies.
*I'll just agree, saying "alright" with all the explanations you'll throw. Just that.
did i do something wrong?
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